8 Myths About Polyamorous Partners, Because We’re Not Attempting To Exchange Each Other

I
arrived on the scene as poly
in 2010, after over six many years of doing different forms of
ethical non-monogamy
between ill-advised stints of monogamy i might say yes to while I was swooning with brand new commitment electricity. Since that time, i have been much better about keeping real to myself (at least when it comes to poly), and it’s really paid off — I actually have three great, solid connections. I am available about becoming poly the same way that I long been open about being queer: if this arises normally, We communicate, or even, I do not.

Because we are now living in a society in which pointing out your lover in small talk could be the standard, referring right up more often than not. Typically as soon as i have pointed out a “boyfriend” and a “girlfriend” into the same individual, they are going to check baffled or maybe just downright ask, and that I always offer a simple and brief description that i am poly and now have numerous lasting lovers. In addition to the “huh?!” look I have from a lot of people, the questions they ask and the replies obtained show some fairly unconventional tactics about poly partners.

Most of the fables about poly lovers are grounded on
fables about polyamory
by itself — particularly that
it really is exactly about the sex
which
polyamory is unnatural
— but there are some added myths encompassing couplehood that do not appear for solamente poly folk. A few of these urban myths are truly harmful, and others are simply just irritating, but understanding the reality to their rear is very important
no matter whether you’re mono or poly
. But 1st, take a look at latest bout of Bustle’s sex and connections podcast “I Want It That Way”:

Myth #1: When It’s An M/F Few, It Absolutely Was The Person That Pushed For An Unbarred Relationship

Because we are taught to think that males usually want intercourse which ladies aren’t down for wet enjoyable — and because people associate “poly” with “gender” — men and women immediately think that the male is always the ones to drive for an unbarred relationship if it’s man-woman couple. Works out though,
women can be two times as probably as men
to advise an open connection, which squares using my knowledge: I’ve been the person to insist on it.

Myth number 2: If There Are A Number Of Partners, There Was A “Actual” One

Despite the fact that i will be element of three various “couple” preparations, alone that people treat as “real” you’re my relationship with my male spouse. Most this extends back to heteronormativity, plus the idea that lesbians are unable to have “real” intercourse, and it is partly because we accidentally live together. For poly lovers, their interactions are real — no matter what who they accept or what they’re packin’ downstairs.

Myth no. 3: We Must End Up Being Unicorn Hunters

Since I have started managing among my personal partners, the ceaseless expectation would be that
the guy and I are unicorn shopping
— definitely, seeking a ”
hot bi girl
” to “finish” our “family.” Blech, no many thanks. Although this specifically plagues directly lovers, a number of queer poly couples face this myth, also. It seems sensible why — significant lovers proceed through a unicorn hunting phase
whenever they very first open
— but the majority veteran poly folk know better.

Myth no. 4: Having A Nesting Lover Indicates You Apply Hierarchical Poly

Because we accept one of my lovers, people automatically believe that
he is my major spouse
— this is certainly, that I hold him and our relationship above other individuals, therefore, always, that any kind of my personal
different relationships is “second.”
Secondary associates tend to be make the place having their particular feelings and requires dismissed or deemed irrelevant, and also almost no power over the situation. Though some poly partners carry out rehearse hierarchical poly, an abundance of all of us you should not, and start thinking about the interactions equal in importance. It’d be fantastic to
see OkCupid admit that
, too.

Myth # 5: We “Show” Our Partners

To start with: everyone is not objects to be discussed. Course. Additionally, no. Not everyone who’s poly is actually bi, and my personal partners and I also have actually pretty various taste in individuals, usually. Occasionally absolutely some overlap, because poly communities are fairly tiny, and often, when the stars magically align, a triad scenario actually happens — but discussing

all

of our own partners? Nothing for some poly people, except the unicorn-hunting types.

Myth #6: We’ren’t Serious/Committed to one another

Take a look, my nesting companion and I also have been collectively for 5 many years come Halloween, my gf and I currently collectively over six many years, and my some other gf and that I have been with each other about two. We’ve got different degrees of entanglement, but i have discussed cross-country tactics with a couple of them when preparing for grad college. If that is maybe not dedication, I don’t know what exactly is. Poly men and women are like mono folks in that esteem: some wish matrimony and infants (
or have them
), some choose the bar world and casual flings.

Myth # 7: It’s Simply A Phase

Some parents are especially keen on the theory that poly lovers increases out of it and relax one day, or that the youngster will alter their own brain if they meet with the “right person.” Myself, I

have

found the proper individual — there is just more than one of those — and I’ve never had any purposes of “settling down,” in any event. But
an abundance of poly men and women relax
, cohabitate,
have actually individuals, and remain poly
the long haul.

Myth #8: We Are Trying To Substitute Both

Obviously really the only cause any person would agree to end up being poly is if they aren’t delighted collectively any longer, and they’re trying to painlessly and effortlessly proceed to a fresh connection, correct? While that really does take place, I can state with confidence that i will never envision attempting to change any one of my personal partners — part of getting poly is actually recognizing that folks aren’t similar.

Images: Creator’s very own; Giphy